Recently, I was talking to a friend who told me I was one of the most selfless people she knew. I would do anything for anyone. I looked around to see who she was talking to. She thought that was funny, but in all seriousness, I was not being funny!
I see myself as being very selfish.
So this brings me to my questioning thought: do we ever see ourselves as others see us?
My best friend is married to one of the most intelligent creatures on this planet (and she is no dummy herself). He is intellectually smart - knows lots about lots. But even more than that he knows what he doesn't know and does two things aboout that - He is smart enough to shut his mouth when he does not know something, not pretend he does, and two, he does research to find out what he wants to know to improve himself or just for curiosity to gather the information - maybe for next time. On top of all that he is one of the most humble people I know. It is both an honor and a priviledge to call him friend. And yet, with all this, he does not flaunt his intelligence. As a matter of fact, he stammers and clams up in front of others whom he believes are smarter than he is. He does not think he is all that! This man does not see the innate goodness in himself either intellectually or emotionally. Neither does his wife. They are good about pointing it out in each other, and have a little thing that when one of them puts themselves down the other makes a bad buzzer sound like on a game show. I wonder if they realize how wonderful it is that they have this? Everyone should have their own little buzzer in their head that says "Hey, get off of yourself". I am glad they have it for each other.
But, I digress. So why is it that I feel like I am selfish, and lazy, and overall not worth it? I am not feeling sorry for myself, or 'wo is me', it is just an overall opinion I have of myself. Was it messages I heard as a kid? And with all that, why is it that others don't see me the same way? When I do things, well after I do things, there is a thought that goes thru my head of "What's in it for me?" What do I get out of doing whatever I am doing? Why do I think that? And, when I do do something nice I don't like it when someone tells someone else. I feel embarrassed, or worse yet, that now I have to do something nice for the next person.
And yet none of this is verbal. It is all a struggle between my own ears. I used to think I was a very simple creature. Not to swift, not real kind or caring, just existing and trying to stay out of major trouble. I have since revised that opinion. An ameba is a simple creature; one cell, not a lot of choices and, I am not sure 100% on this, but no brain (is the nucleus considered a brain?). Therefore I must be more complicated than I thought.
Off I go now, back to work. Thoughts on paper with no answers. What was in this for me?
